Most of us want to experience a full expression of who we are, as well as to lead a congruent life consistent with what we value. Yet to many of us these personal attributes may seem out there somewhere, qualities we will get to some day when the time is right or when the stars align. However, finding such ways of being does not happen out there somewhere in the future. What does happen when we wait for somewhere out there in the future to happen is that we just get older.

Finding the qualities we want for ourselves can only happen Now, as illustrated by this story. A teacher was conducting a class of adult students.The lesson on human sexuality. To start the class, the teacher stated her theory of happiness; namely, that those who had the most frequent sex were also the happiest. To prove the point, she asked the class to raise their hands if they considered themselves happy. A half dozen people did so, and the teacher proceeded to ask each one how often they had sex. The answers ranged from 2 – 4 times per week. When it came to call on the last person, a beaming elderly gentleman who could barely contain his delight, the teacher fully expected him to answer he had sex many times a week. To her surprise the gentleman answered he had sex only once a year. How could that be, the teacher exclaimed, fearing her theory of happiness was about to be discredited. How could you have sex only once a year and be so happy? The man replied: “Tonight’s the night!”

While humorous, can we allow ourselves to know that this “tonight’s the night” possibility is there for us also? It is right now, right here, that we can undertake the journey toward any authentic possibility for our lives. Such an undertaking does not happen if we wait for some future to show up, for some “out there” to arrive on our doorstep. We arrive at our own doorstep now.

In such significant, life altering areas as whether to end a marriage, or if a decision to end a marriage seems to have already been made, it is important to know whether the choice was made from a place of clarity or confusion. We need not focus on clarity here, since this state of mind points to a path where doubt is not operative and an open way forward is the predominant sense.

However, confusion around such decisions can be painful and anxiety producing and may result in a feeling of being struck and going nowhere. It can be very helpful to have a way to personally approach a significant decision like the decision to divorce, or even a decision around any aspect of the divorce process, such as whether to use a collaborative divorce process or mediation or litigation; or, how to treat an ex-spouse; or, what kind of attitude do you want in a Tucson divorce attorney; or, whether to proceed with a “take no prisoners” mentality or one that will support preserving an appropriate and cooperative relationship with an ex-spouse, especially if that person is the other parent to your children. These and many others are the kinds of decisions where guidance in the midst of confusion can be helpful.

One way to help become clear where confusion seems to reign, is to know what are our larger choices and how to apply them to the specific decision at hand. We can be helped here by recounting the Cherokee fable told by an elder to his grandson. The fable is about a battle that goes on inside people when making certain decisions, whether large or (seemingly) small. The elder says: “My grandson, the battle is between two wolves inside us all. One wolf is the animal of Suffering; it is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, false pride, lies, superiority and all the negative aspects of ego.”

“The other wolf is the animal of Peace; it is love, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.”

The young boy thought about what his grandfather said and then asked, “Which wolf wins?” The old Cherokee replied: “The one you feed.”

For us, in our own decision making of all kinds and at all levels, what wolf do we feed when we choose this path or that one? When that answer is clear, the decision can make itself.

If you are interested in a Tucson divorce and wish to use a Tucson family lawyer, you may wish to explore the use of the collaborative divorce settlement process to resolve your divorce issues. The first step would be to find a Tucson divorce attorney who practices in the area of collaborative divorce or collaborative law. This Tucson lawyer can explain the collaborative process to you. The following article by collaborative divorce attorney Laurie Israel will explain more about how collaborative attorneys can help out.

“Collaborative law is a form of alternative dispute resolution for divorcing couples who prefer not to endure litigation, but desire vigorous legal representation. One of the first issues of concern for every potential Collaborative Law client is whether the attorney will serve as a strong advocate for that client.
Often potential clients believe that everything in the collaborative process is done as a “team”. They believe that all parties (clients, Collaborative Counsel, and other collaborative professionals) work together at all times to achieve a solution to the divorce. There is a fear that this increased transparency in the collaborative process will cause their own Collaborative Counsel to fail to adequately protect the client’s own individual needs, issues, and concerns. They fear that their interests will be “sold out” in the process.

While understandable, these fears are generally unfounded. It is true that some of the collaborative process is purposefully transparent. However, much of the work in the collaborative case gets done in private between Collaborative Counsel and his or her own client. This “off-line” work is done between the group meetings, in person, on the phone, or by e-mail. During these times, Collaborative Counsel (much like ordinary counsel) works alone with the client to provide legal advice and case strategy.

Here are some of the matters that Collaborative Counsel addresses privately with the client as the client’s advocate while the case is ongoing:

Education about the Law

Collaborative Counsel will give the client a “crash course” in divorce law fairly early in the case. Most Collaborative Counsel think about the resolution of a particular case as being consistent with the framework of existing laws, cases, and judicial decisions. This model is termed practicing “in the shadow of the law”. There will be variations to this template, as agreed to by the clients after informed consent.

Legal Advice

Collaborative Counsel will apply the facts of the case to the relevant law and give the client a private, personal, confidential report based on counsel’s legal analysis.

Work on Strategy

Even in collaborative cases, attorneys and clients need to work on strategy. They work privately between the group collaborative meetings, using legal conclusions, as well as information gathered from, and progress made (or lack thereof), in each group meeting. In addition, when an impasse occurs in the process, Collaborative Counsel is trained in methods to help overcome these roadblocks.

Analyze Finances

This is a crucial aspect of virtually all divorce cases. Collaborative Counsel is a divorce attorney experienced in reviewing numbers and finances, who can assist the client greatly in thinking about settlement, and what the finances will look like after the divorce.

Client Receives the Benefit of Counsel’s Experience

Lawyers, including Collaborative Counsel, give the divorcing client the benefit of their experience, both legal and practical. This includes the attorney’s experience with how typical divorce issues have been dealt with, addressed, and resolved in other cases. Counsel’s advice and input goes beyond purely technical and legal advice, and will include other issues such as the practical and the personal.

Be a Sounding Board

Collaborative Counsel provides a sympathetic but rational “ear” for some of the disruption and fears a client may be undergoing during the divorce. Divorce can be very upsetting, and your attorney will be very well-versed in your situation and will be able to provide emotional ballast for you during the process.

Provide Objective Guidance

Collaborative Counsel will provide neutral, unvarnished feedback to the client regarding the matters that arise during the collaborative process. These include interpersonal relationships between the spouse and children (or in-laws), finances and other issues. Having a trained professional give you objective advice during the process is very helpful.

Analyze Agreements/Proposals

As proposals are generated during the collaborative process, they need to be analyzed by the clients and the lawyers. Much of this work is done with Collaborative Counsel and the client “off-line”, in private. Collaborative Counsel will provide an unembellished analysis and evaluation of all aspects of the proposals.

Help with Decision-Making

At many points in the collaborative process, the collaborative client will need to make decisions on various matters. Collaborative Counsel will assist by assessing the matter and providing feedback in private to the client to help the client come to a decision. This will involve evaluating the client’s aims, wishes and desires (and those of the spouse) against the legal and practical considerations. All advice will be informed with the realities (economic and personal) faced by the divorcing client.

Help with Problem-Solving

One of the strengths of the collaborative process is that all parties are included in participating in solving the problems of the divorce. I call this “a marriage to the divorce”. A great deal of brainstorming goes on, some of it usable, some not. Collaborative Counsel participates in this problem-solving both “on-line” in the joint meetings, and “off-line” in private with the client.

Other Functions of Collaborative Counsel

Other functions of Collaborative Counsel include helping the client gather all documents needed, working with financial information, presenting and obtaining financial disclosure, and preparing court-form financial statements. Collaborative Counsel also drafts, reviews, and revises the very important Separation Agreement, a requirement for the divorce. The written Agreement sets forth all the terms of the divorce, including the financial terms and those relating to the children. This Agreement will serve as the roadmap for future interactions between the divorcing spouses.

Conclusion

As is apparent from the above list, Collaborative Counsel actually performs all of the functions for his or her client in private that conventional counsel offers in a non-collaborative case. This should give a potential collaborative clients confidence that their needs and concerns will be protected and safeguarded by their own Collaborative Counsel in a collaborative divorce. In this way, Collaborative Counsel maintains the capability to be an advocate for his or her client.”

The following is an article by attorney Maury D. Beaulier. It talks about the use of the collaborative law process to reach divorce settlements. If you are interested in a Tucson divorce and want to use a Tucson divorce attorney or Tucson family lawyer familiar with colalborative law and Tucson divorce, go to the website: www.divorcewisely.com to find the attorneys experienced in this divorce process. These are Tucson lawyers who have been trained in the collaborative law model.

Collaborative law is a new way to resolve disputes by removing the disputed matter from the litigious court room setting and treating the process as a way to “trouble shoot and problem solve” rather than to fight and win.

As part of the collaborative law method, both parties retain separate attorneys whose job it is to help them settle the dispute. No one may go to court. If that should occur, the collaborative law process terminates and both attorneys are disqualified from any further involvement in the case.

Each party in the Collaborative law process signs a contractual agreement which include the following terms:

Disclosure of Documents.
Each party agrees to honestly and openly disclose all documents and information relating to the issues. Neither spouse may take advantage of a miscalculation or an inadvertent mistake. Instead, such errors are identified and corrected.
Respect.
Each party agrees to act respectfully and avoid disparaging or vilifying any of the participants.

Insulating Children.
As part of the process all participants agree to insulate the children from the proceeding and to act ins such a way as to minimize the impact of the divorce on them.

Sharing Experts.
The parties agree to implement outside experts where necessary in a cooperative fashion and share the costs related to those experts. (eg. real estate appraisers, business appraisers, parenting consultants, vocational evaluators, or accountants)

Win-Win Solutions.
The primary goal of the process is to work toward an amicable solution and to create a “win-win” situation for all.

No Court.
Neither party may seek or threaten court action to resolve disputes. If the parties decide to go to court, the attorneys must withdraw and the process begins anew in the court system.
One of the biggest differences in the Collaborative law process is that it recognizes that emotional issues exist that cannot be addressed by the legal system. How often have you heard stories of divorcing parties spending thousands of dollars in legal fees to argue about pets or furniture that has limited monetary value. Generally speaking, the parties in such cases are not arguing about dogs, cats or furniture. Instead, they are reacting to psychological pains that they experiencing These emotional issues that are ignored in the Court process. By contrast, the collaborative law process specifically addresses these issues by bringing them to the forefront and using professionals as part of team approach to find solutions.

A team of professionals is assembled to help the parties understand and resolve their disputes i many different contexts. The disputes maybe legal disputes or emotional and include: mental health counselors/ coaches for each party, neutral financial advisors, accountants, parenting specialists, child specialists, vocational experts, and appraisers, if needed.

A child specialist may play a very important role in the collaborative process. So often, children become the unintended victims in divorce proceedings. They internalize the conflict and often blame themselves for the break up of their family. The child specialist works with children of divorcing parents. It is their job to assist the children in understanding that the parental dispute is not their fault and to teach them how to cope and communicate with their parents. In this way, the children have a voice in the proceedings and become part of the team process.

Financial professionals may be used to help define values of assets. In the litigious court process often redundant appraisals are performed by one expert for each party. The end result is a duplication of services at greater cost and with increased distrust. this often results in an expensive war of experts at trial where each expert testifies regarding their different valuations. In the collaborative process, the parties choose a neutral appraiser that is not associated with either party. With a trust relationship established, the parties agree on some division of cost and agree to be bound by the appraised value.

Most Cases Settle. The Statistics state that more than 90% of all divorce cases are resolved without a trial. In the Court system that resolution often comes more than a year after the divorce was commenced and after many hurtful statements have been made part of the public record in the form of affidavits and motions. Doesn’t it make more sense to seek that resolution before the bridges are burned and the missiles are launched in a courtroom? Certainly, collaborative law will not work in every case. After all, it takes two to tango and it takes two willing participants to effectively use the collaborative law process. However, in the cases where collaborative law has been used, even if reluctantly, there have been more rapid settlements at a fraction of the normal cost associated with divorce.

Information provided by:
Maury D. Beaulier, Esq.

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In a Tucson divorce, one of the first decisions divorcing parties will need to make is whether to use a Tucson divorce attorney who practices the collaborative negotiation process or a Tucson family lawyer who only uses adversary methodology. In this article from the International Society of Collaborative Professionals, there is a description of the process the Tucson divorce lawyer uses in the collaborative process.

Who Controls the Process
Degree of Adversity
Cost
Timetable
Use of Outside Experts
Involvement of Lawyers
Privacy
Facilitation of Communication
Voluntary vs. Mandatory
Lines of Communication
Court Involvement
You and your spouse control the
process and make final decisions
You and your spouse pledge mutual
respect and openness
Costs are manageable, usually less
expensive than litigation; team
model is financially efficient in use
of experts
You and your spouse create the
timetable
Jointly retained specialists provide
information and guidance helping
you and your spouse develop
informed, mutually beneficial
solutions
Your lawyers work toward a mutually
created settlement
The process and discussion or
negotiation details are kept private
Team of collaborative practice specialists
educate and assist you and
your spouse on how to effectively
communicate with each other
Voluntary
You and your spouse communicate
directly with the assistance of
members of your team
Outside court
Judge controls process and makes
final decisions
Court process is based on an
adversarial system
Costs are unpredictable and can
escalate rapidly including frequency
of post-judgment litigation
Judge sets the timetable; often
delays given crowded court
calendars
Separate experts are hired to support
the litigants’ positions, often
at great expense to each
Lawyers fight to win, but someone
loses
Dispute becomes a matter of public
record and, sometimes, media
attention
No process designed to facilitate
communication
Mandatory if no agreement
You and your spouse negotiate
through your lawyers
Court-based
Divorce: Collaborative vs. Litigation
Collaborative Litigation